Luke’s $10k A Week Blog

Reading over at CogiNews, this article hit my eye.

In the modern vernacular, to say someone is “in denial” is to deliver a savage combination punch: one shot to the belly for the cheating or drinking or bad behavior, and another slap to the head for the cowardly self-deception of pretending it’s not a problem.

Yet recent studies from fields as diverse as psychology and anthropology suggest that the ability to look the other way, while potentially destructive, is also critically important to forming and nourishing close relationships. The psychological tricks that people use to ignore a festering problem in their own households are the same ones that they need to live with everyday human dishonesty and betrayal, their own and others’. And it is these highly evolved abilities, research suggests, that provide the foundation for that most disarming of all human invitations, forgiveness.

Humans are imperfect and selfish on a fairly deep level. Denial originates as a coping mechanism that lets us form close, trusting relationships anyways.

Nowhere do people use denial skills to greater effect than with a spouse or partner. In a series of studies, Dr. Sandra Murray of the University of Buffalo and John Holmes of the University of Waterloo in Ontario have shown that people often idealize their partners, overestimating their strengths and playing down their flaws.

This typically involves a blend of denial and touch-up work — seeing jealousy as passion, for instance, or stubbornness as a strong sense of right and wrong. But the studies have found that partners who idealize each other in this way are more likely to stay together and to report being satisfied in the relationship than those who do not.

Ever observed this in real life? Couples that, despite what appear to be multiple infractions against each other’s rights, still get along well?

People sometimes do terrible things without actually being a terrible person. They aren’t aware that their actions are so bad! And those closest to them will usually look the other way. This biological mechanism we call forgiveness is necessary for the stability of social bonds amongst us flawed humans. But it’s also responsible for denial!

If you treat someone in an idealized way, they are more likely to act in one as time progresses…

“The evidence suggests that if you see the other person in this idealized way, and treat them accordingly, they begin to see themselves that way, too,” Murray said. “It draws out these more positive behaviors.”

The exact opposite is common as well. Have you ever seen the case where negative prejudices triggers more negative behavior? We all have.

A lot of people come along who do not realize how their negatively “realistic” slant damages their reputation and creates tremendous amounts of unnecessary havoc. They come across as self-righteous and critical, prone to making unnecessary assumptions. Who wants to be around someone like that?

There’s a saying that “what you focus on in life, will expand.” Want $10k/week? Focus on that. Want more people mad at you? Focus on that. It’s your choice!

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This entry was posted on Thursday, April 3rd, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under personal development, philosophy of success. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.